I talk a lot about life being like an RPG.

You build your skills. You choose side quests. You play with a team or by yourself. You encounter enemies and bosses. You learn, evolve, and build toward a main mission.

Your main mission is the overarching theme that everything else builds toward. You can think of it like the final boss, except it isn’t actually the end of the game. It’s the big goal you’re working toward, and once you get there, it simply becomes another goal.

And then you keep going.

That’s life.

You have to have some idea what game you’re playing and what you’re building toward, or you’ll never really know where you’re going.

To make it simple, whether we’re talking about fitness, mindset, wellness, career, relationships, or anything else, pick a big goal and create smaller achievable goals along the way. Build momentum. Track progress. Develop the skills you need.

But I want you to back up even farther.

Do you actually know what game you’re playing?

Do you know what your goal is?

I see this all the time with clients. Someone tells me, “I want to lose weight,” or “I want to get in shape.”

Okay.

What does that actually mean?

Those aren’t really goals. They’re vague descriptions of a desired outcome. They don’t give you a very definable point to build toward.

So let’s back up and look upstream.

WHO CHOSE THE GAME?

Did you actually choose your goals?

Or did you just inherit them?

A lot of the things we’re chasing—especially when we’re young—are things we’re told we should want by our parents, culture, friends, social media, the fitness industry, or our own insecurities that we don’t quite understand yet.

Here’s a classic example.

A lot of kids are told by their parents that they have to go to college. Then they get to college and realize they never really had an idea of what they wanted to go for, whether they even wanted to go, what they wanted to do afterward, or anything in between.

Yes, I maybe lived that experience.

This goes back to the idea of figuring out what hardware in your brain is actually yours and what was put there by other people.

It’s completely natural to absorb the people and environment around you as a kid and young adult.

But eventually, you have to figure out who you are and what you actually want.

Okay, let’s zoom out on this “what is the meaning of life” tangent and connect it back to fitness.

Where did your fitness goals come from?

Are you trying to be “skinny” because that’s what’s currently considered attractive?

Did your parents give you habits growing up that you’re now trying to undo?

Are your friends jacked athletes and you want to look like them because you want to fit in?

Are you the skinny guy who wants to become the biggest guy in the room?

Insert whatever scenario applies to you.

The point is simple:

You need to know your goals and you need to know why you’re playing the game.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WINNING WILL GIVE YOU?

Let’s say you want to get down to a certain weight.

I see this one all the time, and it always fascinates me.

What do you think that exact number on the scale is going to give you?

I understand why people pick a number. They usually believe that number will correlate with an appearance they’re happier with, and maybe they’ll feel better too.

But sometimes the quest you’re actually on isn’t what you think it is.

If losing weight is the entire goal, you can miss the skills you need to build along the way.

You might focus on losing weight any way possible instead of learning how to lose fat slowly while building or preserving strength and muscle.

You might miss the opportunity to learn how to fuel your body better after years of doing the opposite.

And sometimes the way you achieve one goal makes the next quest harder.

If you just focus on dropping the weight and don’t learn to eat to fuel your body and prioritize eating in a way that preserves muscle, once you get to that goal weight you might feel like a bag of pudding.

I’m proud of coining this term because it’s true.

This means you didn’t have much muscle to begin with and didn’t diet or strength train in a way that built or preserved what you had, so now you’re unhappy with the skinny-fat look you have.

Now the next goal of learning to strength train and build muscle can be even more challenging and defeating because you thought you were going to feel good once you got to your goal weight.

The same thing happens with:

“I just want to get back in shape.”

“I just want to get back into a routine.”

Okay.

What do you think that’s going to give you?

Why did you choose it?

Where did that goal come from?

If you can’t answer those questions, you probably need to think about them.

I’m not saying you have to figure everything out before you start. You won’t.

The trials and tribulations of the process are part of everyone’s journey.

But getting clear on what you actually want—and what that goal means to you—will go a long way.

WHAT IF YOU WIN AND STILL AREN’T HAPPY?

Now let’s look at it another way.

What if you really believe the goal is yours?

And then you achieve it…

…and it doesn’t make you as happy as you thought it would?

You can get the body, career, money, status, relationship, or accomplishment you thought you wanted and still wonder why you aren’t happy.

This one hits close to home for me.

A big part of why I’m writing all of this and sharing the information and experience I’ve collected is because this idea is near and dear to my heart.

External things can absolutely bring you happiness.

I’m not saying they don’t matter.

But they can’t be the thing that makes you whole.

I believe the ability to validate yourself—to be comfortable with who you are and confident in who you’re becoming—is foundational.

Without that, external things can become compensation. Smoke and mirrors. A way of presenting yourself to other people in hopes that they’ll give you the feeling you haven’t learned how to give yourself.

Take all of it away.

What are you left with?

The process of training—mentally and physically, day after day—is one of the greatest learning experiences I’ve ever found.

You build habits.

You discover who you are and what you want.

You build discipline.

You build confidence in yourself.

And you learn that you can actually change.

Those skills are what eventually allow you to go after all those other things you want.

The same concepts, principles, and philosophies apply.

But if you never learn to love yourself and find some way to enjoy the process of becoming who you want to be, there probably isn’t an external accomplishment that’s going to magically make you love yourself from the outside looking in.

There are plenty of amazing people who have written things that sound similar to what I’m saying.

And yes, I understand that some of this is my opinion and how I’ve chosen to live my life.

Maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe someone else can explain the same thing in a way that finally clicks for you.

Great.

Use it.

I’m not trying to convince you that I’m the only person with the answer. I’m giving you a permission slip to try something and see what happens.

The point is, I believe your thoughts shape the reality you experience, and your body is the avatar that physically interacts with that reality.

Master who you are.

Learn to be comfortable sitting with yourself.

Become confident in who you are and who you’re trying to become.

Then go earn the external things you want.

Because the external things can add to your life.

They just can’t do the internal work for you.

Anyway, long Dr. Phil rant over.

STOP USING SOMEONE ELSE’S SCOREBOARD

Sometimes you can win the wrong game.

Make sure you’re playing the right one.

The wins feel a lot better when you actually chose the game.

That also means you need to define what winning means to you.

Your version of winning can look completely different from someone else’s.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

The things you think you want because someone else has them—and because they appear happy—may not give you the feeling you’re expecting when you get them.

Think about how often people simply follow the herd.

After college, people get jobs.

Some start families.

Some keep living the Peter Pan college-kid life for as long as they can.

Some decide being a complete outlaw and doing the opposite of everyone else is the answer.

Whatever you choose, don’t choose it simply because you think you’re supposed to.

If someone is playing at a certain level in the game, that doesn’t mean you have to.

But there’s a flip side.

Sometimes you’re the one messing around on the same level for too long while everyone else is moving forward.

And sometimes you’re supposed to stay on that level for a while because you’re not ready for the next one.

That’s okay too.

Stop using someone else’s scoreboard to score your game.

Define your goal.

Make sure it’s actually yours.

Make sure you’re not choosing it because you’re comparing yourself to someone else.

Then build yourself into the person capable of achieving it.

SO WHAT’S YOUR FITNESS GAME?

Okay, let’s back off the intense stuff for a minute.

What’s your fitness mission?

Are you training to look good naked?

To be strong?

If so, how strong?

Are you trying to move better and play with your kids?

Are you trying to compete in a sport?

Or do you just want to be able to play golf when you’re an old man?

Are you trying to feel athletic again and reclaim something you had when you were younger?

Are you trying to live independently when you’re 80?

Do you climb mountains?

Or just play pickleball?

God, I hate pickleball.

It’s not even a new sport. We played it in school in the 90s.

Are you training because you want to impress people, like your body is a physical business card?

Guess what?

It could be a combination of all of these.

There isn’t one universally correct answer.

You need to figure out what you want.

Look at what your life and environment are asking of you.

Are you fit enough to do what you need to do every day?

Do you want to do more?

Do you want to look better too?

Do you want to be stronger?

Do you want to be more athletic?

Figure that shit out and plan your game accordingly.

And remember: it doesn’t have to stay the same forever.

That’s part of the point.

Pick something and start.

Because once you start learning, you start realizing that your goals are going to change anyway.

I always joke about the general year-long cycle of a gym bro.

Spring comes around:

“I need to get shredded for summer.”

Summer comes:

“Damn, I look small. I need to get bigger.”

Fall arrives.

“Time to bulk.”

Winter comes.

You get a little too fluffy, but damn, you’re strong.

Then you decide you need to lean out, move better, and improve your cardio for sports.

Then summer comes around again.

Get lean.

Feel small.

Get big.

Get lean.

Get big.

And so on forever.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

It’s just a character build.

What you want at 25 might not be what you want at 45.

What you wanted when you were single might not be what you want when you’re married with kids.

What you thought was achievable at 30 might look completely different at 50.

Maybe at 50 you actually realize you can become fitter than you were at 30.

Maybe you have less time.

Maybe you have more money.

Maybe you have more responsibilities.

Maybe your priorities completely changed.

There are a million different scenarios in the game where your circumstances and environment change what you want.

So be malleable.

Improvise.

Adapt.

Overcome.

Use the skills you’ve built to achieve what you want now.

YOUR CHARACTER BUILD WILL CHANGE

Your entire life is a series of character builds.

The character you play at 20 isn’t necessarily going to look the same at 25.

Or 32.

Or 45.

Or 70.

I’ve always thought it would be cool to look back at the end of my life and see all of my different character builds.

If I could somehow put every version of myself into an RPG and see how they played the game, I’d love to see what happened.

And that’s basically what you’re doing right now.

You’re playing the game.

Zoom out for a second and realize how fucking cool that is.

You’re much more capable of doing things than you probably realize.

And in this game, you get to choose what you’re pursuing.

So first, reframe how you talk about the quest.

Instead of acting like it’s such a drag to put in the work to achieve something you supposedly want, get excited about it.

You literally get to do the work to become whatever you want to become.

How cool is that?

You’re not going to get it handed to you.

Work for it.

Choose the right quest.

CHOOSE THE QUEST THAT FITS YOUR LIFE

We’ve already talked about how your environment can change what you want.

There’s another thing that comes with years of building skills:

wisdom.

You don’t just get better at accomplishing difficult things.

You get better at deciding which difficult things are actually worth doing.

Imagine someone who used to love the gym.

They spent hours every week investing in their character build.

Then they have a child.

Their priorities change.

Suddenly, being home with their family is much more important than spending a huge amount of time at the gym.

Now they have a difficult decision.

How much time should they continue investing in fitness?

Is it worth it?

This is where all those skills you’ve built actually matter.

If you suddenly have less time, you don’t just quit.

You choose how much time you can invest and adjust the process to get the best possible outcome that fits your life.

Could you achieve more if you spent more time in the gym?

Sure.

But maybe you decided that having more time at home with your family is worth more.

Maybe you build a home gym.

Maybe you train three days instead of five.

Maybe you figure out how to build the strongest, most capable physique you can with the time you have.

And maybe you’re perfectly happy with that character build for now.

Remember: it can always change.

That’s the game.

PLAY YOUR GAME

So here’s where all of this comes together.

Get clear on why you’re playing the game.

Pick something to chase.

Make sure the goal is actually yours.

Ask whether it’s the best use of your time given your current circumstances and priorities.

Build the skills necessary to accomplish it.

And most importantly:

Stop looking at everyone else’s scoreboard.

You don’t have to play their game.

You don’t have to want what they want.

You don’t have to stay on the same level forever.

And you don’t have to keep playing the same character build for your entire life.

Choose.

Play.

Learn.

Adapt.

Grow.

Then choose again.

Win the game.

Start again.